The Algorithm Graded My Parenting Now. It Gave Me a B

The parenting app scored my week: screentime, sleep, vegetables, quality moments. I got a B. My daughter got a gold star. Neither of us knows what we are being graded on, but we are both performing.

The app came recommended. It tracks the metrics pediatricians care about, syncs with the school, and sends gentle nudges. It is not judgmental, it says, which is what judgmental things always say. By Wednesday it had noted that screentime was up, vegetables were down, and quality moments were below the weekly average.

I have started gaming it. This is the part I am least proud of. I discovered that the app counts quality moments from the microphone, so I have started narrating our play: we are building a tower, and it is very tall, and I am present. The app cannot tell that I am checking my email while I narrate. It records the moment. It credits me. I am farming gold stars for my parenting, and my daughter watches me do it, and she is learning exactly what the app is for.

The B arrived on Sunday with a breakdown. Screentime: needs work. Vegetables: improving. Quality moments: above average, thanks to my narration. I showed my wife. She laughed, and then she did not laugh, because the B had landed in her too, and the B had a meaning, and the meaning had a weight, and the weight was absurd, and the absurdity did not make it lighter.

Here is the thing about being graded: you start to optimize. You start to perform the metrics instead of the life. I have caught myself scheduling quality moments the way I schedule meetings, and my daughter has caught me, and she has started asking if today is a quality moment day, which is the saddest sentence I have ever heard a child say.

I deleted the app on Monday. My daughter asked where the stars went. I told her we were going to earn them the old way, without the microphone, without the score, without anyone watching. She said okay. Then she asked if we could still build the tower. We built the tower. Nobody graded us. It was the best quality moment of my life, and the app was not there to record it, and I am trying very hard to believe that is a good thing.